40 years later, I finally beat the arcade game that financially destroyed me as a child

GamesAction40 years later, I finally beat the arcade game that financially destroyed me as a childWhen you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.Here’s how it works.

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(Image credit: Digital Leisure Inc.)

A warrior in a dungeon

In 1983 I spent every single Friday night at the same place: the roller rink. It was a perfect way to end a dreary week filled with school and chores: a bully-free environment where I could goof off with my friends, skate around in circles, listen to music, and consume tons of junk food. There were even special events held at the rink, like the night they broadcast the premiere of Michael Jackson’s Thriller music video, which scared one little girl so badly she threw up. Good times!

That roller rink was also my first regular exposure to arcade games, and every Friday my weekly allowance was eagerly converted into quarters and pumped into classics like Spy Hunter, Pole Position, Mr. Do, Q-Bert, Time Pilot, and my favorite: Tempest.

But that wasn’t the only thing special about it. For the first time in arcade game history, instead of a quarter, it cost 50 cents to play Dragon’s Lair. 50 cents! I know it doesn’t really sound like much, but a sudden 100% markup of the price to play a videogame? “CASH GRAB! GREEDY DEVS!” I probably would have yelled if Reddit existed in the ’80s. Instead, I figured it must just be a really good game if they’re charging half a buck for it.

And it sure looked good, especially since I’d recently started playing Dungeons & Dragons (yet another thing I was wasting my life on). Dragon’s Lair had a dragon: it was right there in the title. Also, dungeons! Plus giant snakes, bottomless pits, bats and spiders, a damsel in distress, and a hero named Dirk the Daring. At the time it felt like it must be the best game ever made, or that ever would be made.

That’s why it was a bummer to slowly realize, as the weeks passed and my stacks of quarters were steadily eaten, that Dragon’s Lair wasn’t a particularly good game. It wasn’t even a game at all. It was an interactive cartoon, if you use the word “interactive” as loosely as possible.

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Say Dirk walks into a chamber and a tentacle pops out of the ceiling. Hit the sword button at the right moment and you’re shown a cartoon of him slashing the tentacle. Get the timing wrong, move the joystick instead, or do nothing, and you’re shown a cartoon of Dirk getting his ass strangled to death. If the floor caves in to your right, move left, and if acid pours in from the left, move right. Sometimes the game would give you a hint as to which way to move, like a doorway blinking—sort of like how Mr. Sandman would flash in Punch Out before throwing his uppercut trio—but you still had to be lightning fast to survive.

(Image credit: Digital Leisure Inc.)

A warrior in a dungeon

What was most unfair was how Dragon’s Lair randomized its story. If you failed the section where you swing across the pit on burning ropes, you didn’t get to try it again with your next life. On Dirk’s death, Dragon’s Lair would switch to a completely different scene. You might not get another chance to try the ropes again until several lives and a few dollars worth of quarters later. It’s really tough to train your muscle memory when you can’t play the same segment a few times in a row, especially considering a kid like me only got to go to the arcade once a week and only had a couple bucks to spend.

Don Bluth wanted my quarters. He wanted my quarters so damn much.

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(Image credit: Digital Leisure Inc.)

A warrior in a dungeon

Cut to a week ago when I finally pumped even more money into Dragon’s Lair. I bought iton Steamfor $10, probably the same amount I spent on it per month in 1983. It hurt to surrender 40 more of my quarters to the cartoon I’d slowly grown to despise as a kid, but I thought maybe, all these years later, it would be satisfying to play it again. Maybe I could even beat it.

Spoiler alert: It wasn’t satisfying to play it again. Dragon’s Lair really is QTE: The Game, though I have to admit I still do really appreciate Bluth’s animation, especially the many creative and horrifying ways Dirk can die.

Also, I still utterly suck at it. I have to admit I can’t entirely blame Eighties-Me’s lack of quarters on my failures. I’m just trash at Dragon’s Lair. I should have stuck with Time Pilot.

So, after a wait of 40 years I finally beat Dragon’s Lair in about 10 minutes.

(Image credit: Digital Leisure Inc.)

A warrior in a dungeon

Talk about anticlimactic. I feel like even with the prompts on-screen it should take more than 10 minutes to beat an entire videogame, but at least now I understand why so many sequences repeated and why the developers made it so tricky to learn. And, I guess, why they doubled the price of admission: gotta suck up those quarters before the kids learn something.

Something about my victory felt hollow—probably the complete and utter hollowness of it—so I called around to the very few arcades in my city to see if anyone had a Dragon’s Lair cabinet. Unfortunately no one does at the moment, but I do promise this: one day I’ll face the original arcade cabinet version of this quarter-eating monster on its own turf, one last time, only now with a bit more training under my belt. I’m sure I won’t win, but I’ll start saving up my quarters now, just in case.

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Drags & Dragons#

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The biggest gaming news, reviews and hardware deals

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