As an old guy playing Stardew Valley, I should be allowed to date the bus driver

GamesLife SimStardew ValleyAs an old guy playing Stardew Valley, I should be allowed to date the bus driverWhen you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.Here’s how it works.

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(Image credit: ConcernedApe)

Stardew Valley citizens

I’m gettin' pretty old. I don’t like to say my age out loud because maybe if I don’t say it, it won’t actually be real, so let’s just say I’m Gen X, I was born the same year as Pong, and my high school had a designated smoking area—for students.That’s pretty darn old.

And as an old guy who just started playing Stardew Valley a couple of weeks ago, I’ve slowly come to the horrifying realization that I’m way too old to be dating pretty much any of the life sim’s romantic partners. There are 12 “singles” in Stardew, and with the exception of maybe two, they’re all so young that I can’t help but feel like an absolute creep for trying to woo one, let alone marry one. I’m honestly left wondering—would have it been that hard to have a couple, y’know, actualadultsto romance in Stardew Valley?

(Image credit: ConcernedApe / Stardew Valley Wiki)

Stardew Valley citizens

(Image credit: Eric Barone)

Stardew Valley wedding screenshot

Part of the problem here is that I’m roleplaying as myself. I named my character Chris, I made him bald with a beard just like I am and have in real life, and I’m dressed the way I would like to be dressed at all times: top hat, bomber jacket I crafted from an actual bomb, and the lower half of a dinosaur costume. So when I talk to the characters in Stardew Valley, it’s like they’re talking to me instead of a character I invented, because I’m just playing as literally me.

Is there a mod that lets me give these kids advice instead of gifts?

But even if I was playing as a younger version of myself, the love interests in Stardew Valley still feel incredibly young. I don’t want to date any of them, I just want to give them advice, like that they should start contributing to a 401K as soon as possible and that they should always wear sunscreen and take care of their teeth at all costs and while it may be cool to blast music at full volume into their earphones it could result in permanent hearing loss andit just isn’t worth it. Is there a mod that lets me give these kids advice instead of gifts? I’d be heavily into that.

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(Image credit: ConcernedApe)

Stardew Valley Shane

And frankly, none of them should be marrying a farmer just because he walks up twice a week and wordlessly shoves a diamond or a chocolate cake into their hands. They’re all so young! They have their entire lives ahead of them! Don’t tie yourself down because someone gives you some crab cakes and duck feathers he just happens to be carrying around. Flee this valley, don’t chain yourself to it. There are cities out there somewhere. Cities are so much better than valleys!

And seriously, start contributing to a 401Kimmediately.

(Image credit: ConcernedApe)

Stardew Valley citizens

There are more contenders for my affections, though none of them are romanceable, either. The wizard is kinda hot, has a dope tower, and he’s clearly damaged after being divorced from a witch (I can fix him). He’s not old, but he feels like an adult to me. There’s also the crusty rogue Marlon of the Adventurer’s Guild. We have a lot in common: we fight monsters, we buy and sell weapons, and he also wants to get with Marnie. And, again, he’s an adult, not a teenager, but I’m not allowed to bang him. Bummer. There’s also Sandy, who runs the Oasis shop in the desert. She’s not just fine, she’s alsofine—with the casino being run in the back of her shop as long as she gets her cut, which suggests to me pragmatic instincts and a non-judgmental nature. (The top hat I’m wearing was bought after quite a good run at the blackjack table.) I can’t date her, either, and I don’t really understand why.

[Pam’s] sexiest feature is her utterly predictable schedule.

But the most crushing blow to my romantic life is that I can’t date and marry my ideal woman: Pam. Straight up, Pam, the bus driver, is the one for me. Sure, she’s not the best mom in the world (she makes her daughter Penny perpetually clean their trailer) and has a bit of a drinking problem (shortly after I moved to the valley she sent me a letter asking me to bring her a beer) and she’s not exactly sexy. She’s not even vaguely sexy.

But Pam is easy to please, happy with literally any food or drink I give her (in real life I am also always happy when someone brings me food and drinks). So, she spends all her free time in a bar—guess who has a massive blueberry wine operation running on his farm? We’re a match made in heaven.

(Image credit: ConcernedApe)

A woman happy to get a birthday present

And her sexiest feature is her utterly predictable schedule. I know where she will be every single day: standing at the bus stop on the off chance someone (me) needs a ride to the desert. I find it irritating having to chase down other characters wherever they might be when I want to give them gifts, and in my old age my memory for all but the simplest of schedules is pretty shoddy. But at 10 am every day Pam is always in the same place, close to my house, and will stand there motionless until nightfall, meaning I never have to chase her around the beach or mountains or graveyard to give her a jar of dehydrated mushrooms or a bowl of parsnip soup. To someone without a lot of time left on this earth, that’s a real timesaver, and that’s sexy as hell.

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Inzoi is creating a newfangled life sim NPC that can ‘grow and develop its own personality’ with Nvidia’s AI techI want Eric Barone to make his new game, but I get why he’s still fixing Stardew bugs

Inzoi - two characters pose for a selfie together in front of a blue convertible car

Inzoi is creating a newfangled life sim NPC that can ‘grow and develop its own personality’ with Nvidia’s AI tech

Stardew Valley farmer interacting with her Goat, which has a little heart over its head from improving affection levels.

I want Eric Barone to make his new game, but I get why he’s still fixing Stardew bugs

LatestHarrowing report alleges years of horrific abuse at Brandoville Studios, an Indonesian support studio that worked on Assassin’s Creed Shadows and The Last of Us RemakeSee more latest►

Latest

Harrowing report alleges years of horrific abuse at Brandoville Studios, an Indonesian support studio that worked on Assassin’s Creed Shadows and The Last of Us Remake

The dual protagonists of Assassins Creed Shadows stand silhouetted against a setting sun.

Harrowing report alleges years of horrific abuse at Brandoville Studios, an Indonesian support studio that worked on Assassin’s Creed Shadows and The Last of Us Remake

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